Chores!

In the car...

Dad, lecturing: And no more free allowance! From now on you're going to do chores to get your allowance. Work around the house. Like cleaning your room and doing the dishes.

7 year old daughter: I'll do the dishes!

8 year old daughter, bored: I'll vacuum...

6 year old son: And I'll plunge the TOILETS!

Christmas Memories...

Hubby and Wifey, discussing gift purchases for the kids

Hubby: No. If we're gonna get him tools, they gotta be the real thing. I remember the best Christmas ever, was when my parents gave me a set of real tools. Yeah. Then I hit my brother in the head with the hammer, and they took it away from me for like six months.

YOU!...Have a very Merry Christmas!

7 year old daughter, singing "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer": You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and...Nixon.

Mother: Would you like to help me make spinach bars for my library potluck tomorrow?
Four-year-old daughter: Yes! Who's going to eat them?
Mother: The student workers at my library. Some of them are vegetarians.
Four-year-old daughter: You mean they get up on the tables and yell and throw things?
Mother: Huh?
Four-year-old-daughter: You said they were ...
Mother: They are VEGETarians, not BARBarians.
[The daughter knows what barbarians are because her dad sometimes accuses her of being one, especially when she eats, say, spaghetti with her hands.]

The demise of the "first loser"

Kids enjoying a playdate with the neighbors...

8 year old boy: Let's play Doggie!

5 year old boy: I'm the second littlest!

7 year old girl, outraged: No! There is NO second littlest! I'M the littlest!

I could tell you but...

Discussion after hubby's fraternal society meeting...

Wifey: So, did you do the secret handshake when you went in?

Hubby: Yeah.

Wifey: With everyone?

Hubby: Yeah, no, nevermind.

Wifey: See if I tell you the secret handshake we have at our Scrapping Club.

Hubby: You guys have a handshake?

Wifey: No! [Laughs hysterically]

A New Trend in Restaurants

four year old daughter, wearing chef's hat all day: at my restaurant the menu will include chicken, buttered noodles, brussels sprouts, pizza...

mother: what about when people first sit down, will you have something like bread, or chips and salsa?

daughter: we will have candy corn.

Obama Good, McCain Bad

Seven-year-old son: Mom, don't vote for McCain. He wants to change the flag to red, white, blue, and yellow!

Mom: Um ... no worries, I won't be voting for him, but ... how did you hear that?

Son: I heard it at school.

Mom: From whom?

Son: From EVERYBODY.

New meaning to 'Yummy Mummy'

After applying some cocoa butter lotion...

5 year old son: Hug. [sniffs arm] Oooh Mommy, you smell like s'mores!

Get out the vote!

7 year old daughter, excited: Mommy! Who are you going to vote for? McCain or Bahamas?

Mom: That's a tough one, sweetie.

Must be taking lessons from Wiz

After boogying down at free Motor Booty Affair concert in the park:

5 year old: Mom, do you know why I was dancing that way?

Mom: Why????

5 year old: 'Cuz I didn't want anyone to see my real moves.

Awkward...

At a party...

Grownup: So what's your name?

5 yr old son: Vanson.

8 yr old daughter: He was named after leather.

After her bath, wearing nothing but a hooded towel and running back and forth in the hallway ...

4 yr old daughter: I'm Super Naked! I'm Super Naked!

Mwah!

Hubby, to Wifey: *kiss* Have a good day at work honey. You need lipstick.

Aaaaarrrrggggh!

Riding in the car with noisy kids...

Mom, harassed: I'm driving home as fast as I can.

5yr old son: The car's going shinger fast!

7yr old daughter: Shinger? Is that a word?

8yr old daughter, eyes rolling: Sigh. Yes, it's a pirate word.

7yr old daughter: Shinger me timbers!

Twice a day

8 yr old daughter, to Dad: Daddy, what are you doing?
Dad: Brushing my teeth. With YOUR toothbrush. And then I'm going to use it on Chloe. Yeah, brush the dog's STINKY teeth.
8 yr old daughter, eyes rolling: Remind me to laugh next time.

Make no bones about it.

Hubby, to wifey: I'm an excellent salesman. I can sell firewood in Hell.

Dancing Fool

Parents in the kitchen dancing, attempting to embarrass 7 year old son.

7 year old son: "You don't look like a man Dad!"

Not the brightest bulb on the string

Neighbors talking at AC's parent's new house while AC sorts the spices...

Kevin, after installing light fixture, while sorting box of lightbulbs: "So, you need to tell your Ma [blah blah] these lightbulbs...

Annette: "Uh huh, uh huh"

Kevin: "Yeah. She's gotta take them back, [blah blah]...

Annette: "Wait, are you telling me something that I'm supposed to tell her?

Kevin: "Yeah."

Annette: "Cuz I'm not listening!"

Kevin: [silence, stares]

I think she's screening my calls...

Mom, hollering out of front door: Sophia! Time to come in! You need to take a shower!

8 yr old daughter, calling from side yard: Uh...Sophia can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep.

Mother's Day Tea: Needs a Do-Over

Shoot for the Stars!

On the way to church, while playing with stuffies...

8 year old daughter: Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a cat lady. Just like Midi.

Young at heart, I guess

One snowy morning...

8 year old daughter: Wow. It's so cold out I'm going to stick my tongue on a pole.

[runs off]

Hubby, to wifey: I did that once.

Wifey, laughing: Really? That's too funny. What happened?

Hubby: The teacher had to come out and pour hot water on it.

Wifey, laughing harder: Oh my God. How old were you?

Hubby: Nineteen.

They're on to us!

Bella, age 4, after finding little paper umbrella's in kitchen drawer: Lookee what I found!

Nate, age 6: Don't mess with those! Those are for Mommy's scrapbooking nights with Annette, Kris, & Donna.

Bella: You mean her drrrrrink parties, right?!!

Always good advice

Mom, stressed: GO TO BED!!!

Daughter, age 7: Mommy. Come here. I want to tell you something. Come closer.

Mom: (Sighs) Yes, Juliana

Daughter: You need to calm down. Talk quietly. Count to ten. Take deep breaths.

Mom, taking a deep breath: Thanks.

Daughter: And keep brushing your teeth.

What's our number?

7 yr old: Mom have we sold our house yet?
Mom: No, but someone stopped yesterday to take our phone number.
7 yr old: That's not nice, do we need to get another phone number?

THAT'S a new one!

Late night in mom and dad's room, having a chat...

8 year old daughter, waving her hand in front of her nose: EWWW!

Mom: What?

8 year old: Dad 'busted a grumpy'...

Mom: What?! Oh my god.

(cracks up laughing)

Dad: What does that mean? No I didn't!