Overheard in the 'Hood

Training starts early for "the belt"

2011-01-21T20:11:00.000-05:00

Playing cards at the table...

Dad, catching a glimpse at her hand: Oops!

9 year old daughter: Don't worry. You see I'm gathering red, but you don't know the species.

Well, they're sorta the same...

2011-01-20T12:36:00.000-05:00

At the Ice Skating Rink...

11 year old daughter: Mom, when are they going to bring out the Zamborghini?

Mom: You mean the Zamboni?

11 year old daughter: Whatevs

Progress

2011-01-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

On the phone with Grandma...

Grandma: Vanson wants to talk with you.

Mom: O.k.

8 year old son, very excited: Mom! Mom! I tried a new food! I tried a new food and I liked it. It was CORN!

Priorities...

2011-01-10T10:26:00.000-05:00

Mom: And don't forget, you and Dad are going to that Father-daughter dance in February.

9 Year old daughter: Oh that's right!

11 Year old daughter: What? What Father-daughter dance?

Mom: It's only for Girl Scouts.

9 Year old daughter: And yeah, I hope they have a PUNCH BOWL!

Maybe she's a little shopped out

2010-12-20T19:27:00.000-05:00

In the car:

Mom, to 10 year old daughter: What would you think about stopping at Macy's?
10 year old daughter: I would not.

Those poor rabbis

2010-10-07T10:47:00.003-04:00

nine year old son: Mom, have you ever climbed Mt. Everest?

mom: No, and I don't plan to. It's very difficult, and very expensive.

six year old daughter: Why is it so difficult?

son: Well, it's very dangerous up there at the high altitude. But there are these guys who carry your stuff for you, they're called rabbis.

mom: Uh...I think you mean sherpas.

10 is the new 40

2010-10-03T12:36:00.000-04:00

10 year old daughter, writing: Mom, I need some ideas on how to wreck my journal when I'm done. Things like burn it, drop it in the ocean

Mom: You could drop it in hot lava

10 year old daughter: C'mom mom, I need something plausible

I think I know what he'll be when he grows up

2010-09-30T20:55:00.000-04:00

7 year old son, hollering: MOM! I can't find the constructions! I can't build my rocket without the constructions! MO-OM! Find dem!

Birds of a Feather

2010-07-07T19:04:00.003-04:00

Dad and 9 year old son notice the "mama and papa" birds who have a nest under porch are back.

Dad: "Maybe they are going to have more babies."
9 year old looks for eggs in the nest...
9 year old: "Nothing there, but maybe she's eggnant."

Bad Math

2010-04-06T17:52:00.001-04:00

Dinner table conversation:

Mom, how old are you?

40. Dad, how old are you?

39. So, dad is going to turn 40 soon.

Right.

And mom is going to turn 50 soon.

WHAT?

2010-02-02T12:51:00.002-05:00

Mom: I'm going to go downtown and spend my Terra Verde gift card. Want to come?

Five-year-old (almost six!) daughter: What's Terra Verde?

Mom: A store with clothes and soap and stuff like that -- nothing for kids, I'm afraid.

Daughter: Is it near anything fun?

Mom: No, not really.

Daughter: Why would I want to go?

Mom: Well, no reason really, but I thought I'd invite you.

Daughter: Okay, I'll go.

Not gonna do it....

2009-12-31T20:07:00.000-05:00

Wife to Husband: "Please don't overcook my steak."

8 year old son: "Women are hard to please, that's just another reason why I'm not getting married."

The answer girl

2009-12-19T17:45:00.002-05:00

Driving in the car...

Mom, cheerily: And don't forget we have to practice the songs for the Christmas pageant!

9 year old daughter: [Groan] Mom! Do we HAVE to?

8 year old daughter: Don't worry Sophia. We can just Lip-sing it.

Good thing I speak Boy Scout

2009-11-29T19:22:00.002-05:00

Doorbell rings. Mom opens door...

Boy Scout: We left you...the can goods...paper.

Mom, thinking furiously: Right! Be right back.

(Returns with bag of cans for food drive)

Boy Scout: Uh...thanks.

Infiltration Complete

2009-11-28T16:17:00.002-05:00

Cheerful 8 year old girl: Grandma, I've been in EVERY room of your house!

Grandma: Really?

8 year old girl: Yes. And I think I've touched every single one of your things!

A nice glass of ...

2009-11-23T06:49:00.001-05:00

Son: Why do they call it OJ?

Me: Orange starts with O, Juice with J.

Son: why don't they call other juice BJ.

Me: that's hard to answer.

A Good Name for a Camel

2009-08-31T15:51:00.002-04:00

Mother: So, I know you got to ride on a camel today at the carnival. If you had your own camel, what would you name it, do you think?

Five year old daughter: Hmmmm...

Mother: How about Cameron?

No.

Cammy?

No.

Camille?

No.

Camilla?

No.

Well, what would you name it?

Farty Face.

An affair to remember...

2009-08-16T18:20:00.002-04:00

In the kitchen

Mom, reading ferry ticket out loud: One Adult fare...expires 8/18/09. Darn!

8 year old daughter: Oh Mommy! When's the fair?

Mom: What?

8 year old daughter: The Fair. The Adult Fair.

Mom: No, no, it's a ticket. The fare...it's how much it costs.

8 year old daughter, puzzled: Oh...o.k.

He gets me!

2009-08-10T13:39:00.011-04:00

In the car on the way home from a weekend trip,
Audioslave followed by Foo Fighters on the radio.
Husband to wife: "Hey its a double shot of your boyfriends."
A wonderful example of a husband accepting his wife's rockstar
obsessions.

They don't have a dental plan, either

2009-08-03T20:32:00.003-04:00

Hubby calling wifey from the break room...

Wifey: Are you coming with us to the party or are you going to work?

Hubby: Yeah, don't you remember? I'm playing H-O-O-K-Y.

2009-07-31T15:19:00.002-04:00

Five year old daughter, first thing in the morning: Mommy, Daddy, here is something I know. If you dream you have to go potty, you should not use the dream toilet. You should wake up and use the real toilet.

Mother and father: That is very good advice.

Sup?

2009-07-28T15:29:00.002-04:00

Five year old daughter: Mommy, when that kid said "'sup?", what did that mean?

Mom: It's a short way of saying "What's up?".

Eight year old son (in a teacherly way): And it's not proper English to say "What's up?" either. You are supposed to say "What's happening?".

Mom gets no slack

2009-07-12T16:10:00.002-04:00

In the car...

Mom, singing softly to self: "I will go down with this ship..."

7 year old daughter: Mom? Are you singing?

Mom: Nope.

Mom, singing even more quietly: "I won't put my hands up in surrender..."

7 year old daughter: Mo-om! I can see you! Your lips are moving! No singing!

Mom: O.k.! O.k.!

Houston, we have a problem

2009-06-25T20:25:00.003-04:00

Seven year old daughter trying on shoes: Mom, are these your new sandals? They're hot. Can you get me a pair?

Should we be more specific? Nah.

2009-06-25T20:18:00.004-04:00

Seven year old daughter to dad: Dad, were you there when mom pooped me out?

Dad, after a long pause: yeah, I was there.

There's no place like home

2009-06-15T09:48:00.002-04:00

6 year old boy, while visiting cousins: Auntie, your house is making me haunted-er.

Good Shepherds need not apply

2009-06-03T13:47:00.003-04:00

In church while congregation kneels in prayer...

Male parishioner, standing defiantly, to wife: It says right here, "the congregation may stand or kneel." I'm standing. They're like sheep! Sheeple!

I'm Outta Here!

2009-06-03T13:45:00.002-04:00

During the sermon...

3 year old parishioner marching past long winded priest: I'm going outside!

Teacher in the Garden

2009-04-25T13:36:00.004-04:00

In the Garden with my kids and some neighborhood kids:

Neighbor Mom to 5 year old girl: "Get me the radish seeds please."

5 year old girl: " Are these the radish seeds?"

Neighbor Mom: " 'er,er,er' what does radish start with?"

Son of Neighbor Mom: "She is part teacher ya know."

Well, are the 1970s the Victorian era?

2009-04-13T16:51:00.003-04:00

Five year old daughter getting ready for soccer practice: Mommy, when you were a kid did you play soccer?
Mother: No, when I was a kid soccer wasn't as popular as it is now.
Five year old: When you were a kid, was it the Victorian era?*

*Her brother has been studying the Victorian era in school.

will you be mime

2009-02-13T13:26:00.003-05:00

Valentine from a first grader:
love Will I horp you are well
will you be mime
you are special Mom
to Mom from will OOOXXXXX I love you

Dollar bill y'all

2009-02-08T15:25:00.002-05:00

Hubby to wifey, on the cell: We done talking here? I gotta call some important people. Make some money.

Oooh...SHINY!

2009-02-03T16:34:00.003-05:00

9 Year old daughter: I wish we were millionaires. Then our house would be solid CHROME!

I know I'll pay for this when he's older...

2009-01-27T18:51:00.002-05:00

6 year old son: Mom. I have great news. I'm trying not to pick my nose.

Mom: That IS great!

For fans of Hannibal Lecter

2009-01-11T18:54:00.004-05:00

7 year old brother, 9 year old brother and mom heading out to the store.
9 year old brother taking WAY too long putting on his boots.

7 year old to 9 year old: "Tick Tock Clarice."

Chores!

2008-12-30T21:55:00.003-05:00

In the car...

Dad, lecturing: And no more free allowance! From now on you're going to do chores to get your allowance. Work around the house. Like cleaning your room and doing the dishes.

7 year old daughter: I'll do the dishes!

8 year old daughter, bored: I'll vacuum...

6 year old son: And I'll plunge the TOILETS!

Christmas Memories...

2008-12-29T10:29:00.003-05:00

Hubby and Wifey, discussing gift purchases for the kids

Hubby: No. If we're gonna get him tools, they gotta be the real thing. I remember the best Christmas ever, was when my parents gave me a set of real tools. Yeah. Then I hit my brother in the head with the hammer, and they took it away from me for like six months.

YOU!...Have a very Merry Christmas!

2008-12-22T10:02:00.003-05:00

7 year old daughter, singing "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer": You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and...Nixon.

2008-12-12T16:07:00.002-05:00

Mother: Would you like to help me make spinach bars for my library potluck tomorrow?
Four-year-old daughter: Yes! Who's going to eat them?
Mother: The student workers at my library. Some of them are vegetarians.
Four-year-old daughter: You mean they get up on the tables and yell and throw things?
Mother: Huh?
Four-year-old-daughter: You said they were ...
Mother: They are VEGETarians, not BARBarians.
[The daughter knows what barbarians are because her dad sometimes accuses her of being one, especially when she eats, say, spaghetti with her hands.]

The demise of the "first loser"

2008-11-22T15:41:00.003-05:00

Kids enjoying a playdate with the neighbors...

8 year old boy: Let's play Doggie!

5 year old boy: I'm the second littlest!

7 year old girl, outraged: No! There is NO second littlest! I'M the littlest!

I could tell you but...

2008-11-18T15:02:00.002-05:00

Discussion after hubby's fraternal society meeting...

Wifey: So, did you do the secret handshake when you went in?

Hubby: Yeah.

Wifey: With everyone?

Hubby: Yeah, no, nevermind.

Wifey: See if I tell you the secret handshake we have at our Scrapping Club.

Hubby: You guys have a handshake?

Wifey: No! [Laughs hysterically]

A New Trend in Restaurants

2008-11-11T15:23:00.003-05:00

four year old daughter, wearing chef's hat all day: at my restaurant the menu will include chicken, buttered noodles, brussels sprouts, pizza...

mother: what about when people first sit down, will you have something like bread, or chips and salsa?

daughter: we will have candy corn.

Obama Good, McCain Bad

2008-10-28T18:05:00.002-04:00

Seven-year-old son: Mom, don't vote for McCain. He wants to change the flag to red, white, blue, and yellow!

Mom: Um ... no worries, I won't be voting for him, but ... how did you hear that?

Son: I heard it at school.

Mom: From whom?

Son: From EVERYBODY.

New meaning to 'Yummy Mummy'

2008-10-19T12:31:00.002-04:00

After applying some cocoa butter lotion...

5 year old son: Hug. [sniffs arm] Oooh Mommy, you smell like s'mores!

Get out the vote!

2008-10-06T17:16:00.005-04:00

7 year old daughter, excited: Mommy! Who are you going to vote for? McCain or Bahamas?

Mom: That's a tough one, sweetie.

Must be taking lessons from Wiz

2008-08-28T14:54:00.003-04:00

After boogying down at free Motor Booty Affair concert in the park:

5 year old: Mom, do you know why I was dancing that way?

Mom: Why????

5 year old: 'Cuz I didn't want anyone to see my real moves.

Awkward...

2008-08-27T11:36:00.002-04:00

At a party...

Grownup: So what's your name?

5 yr old son: Vanson.

8 yr old daughter: He was named after leather.

2008-08-05T14:57:00.003-04:00

After her bath, wearing nothing but a hooded towel and running back and forth in the hallway ...

4 yr old daughter: I'm Super Naked! I'm Super Naked!

Mwah!

2008-07-30T09:49:00.002-04:00

Hubby, to Wifey: *kiss* Have a good day at work honey. You need lipstick.

Aaaaarrrrggggh!

2008-07-21T16:02:00.002-04:00

Riding in the car with noisy kids...

Mom, harassed: I'm driving home as fast as I can.

5yr old son: The car's going shinger fast!

7yr old daughter: Shinger? Is that a word?

8yr old daughter, eyes rolling: Sigh. Yes, it's a pirate word.

7yr old daughter: Shinger me timbers!

Twice a day

2008-07-14T09:39:00.002-04:00

8 yr old daughter, to Dad: Daddy, what are you doing?
Dad: Brushing my teeth. With YOUR toothbrush. And then I'm going to use it on Chloe. Yeah, brush the dog's STINKY teeth.
8 yr old daughter, eyes rolling: Remind me to laugh next time.

Make no bones about it.

2008-07-03T13:36:00.001-04:00

Hubby, to wifey: I'm an excellent salesman. I can sell firewood in Hell.

Dancing Fool

2008-06-08T18:44:00.003-04:00

Parents in the kitchen dancing, attempting to embarrass 7 year old son.

7 year old son: "You don't look like a man Dad!"

Not the brightest bulb on the string

2008-05-21T09:44:00.004-04:00

Neighbors talking at AC's parent's new house while AC sorts the spices...

Kevin, after installing light fixture, while sorting box of lightbulbs: "So, you need to tell your Ma [blah blah] these lightbulbs...

Annette: "Uh huh, uh huh"

Kevin: "Yeah. She's gotta take them back, [blah blah]...

Annette: "Wait, are you telling me something that I'm supposed to tell her?

Kevin: "Yeah."

Annette: "Cuz I'm not listening!"

Kevin: [silence, stares]

I think she's screening my calls...

2008-05-18T18:39:00.002-04:00

Mom, hollering out of front door: Sophia! Time to come in! You need to take a shower!

8 yr old daughter, calling from side yard: Uh...Sophia can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep.

Mother's Day Tea: Needs a Do-Over

2008-05-11T14:43:00.005-04:00

Shoot for the Stars!

2008-03-23T21:10:00.003-04:00

On the way to church, while playing with stuffies...

8 year old daughter: Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a cat lady. Just like Midi.

Young at heart, I guess

2008-02-21T23:16:00.003-05:00

One snowy morning...

8 year old daughter: Wow. It's so cold out I'm going to stick my tongue on a pole.

[runs off]

Hubby, to wifey: I did that once.

Wifey, laughing: Really? That's too funny. What happened?

Hubby: The teacher had to come out and pour hot water on it.

Wifey, laughing harder: Oh my God. How old were you?

Hubby: Nineteen.

They're on to us!

2008-02-13T12:27:00.006-05:00

Bella, age 4, after finding little paper umbrella's in kitchen drawer: Lookee what I found!

Nate, age 6: Don't mess with those! Those are for Mommy's scrapbooking nights with Annette, Kris, & Donna.

Bella: You mean her drrrrrink parties, right?!!

Always good advice

2008-02-05T20:02:00.000-05:00

Mom, stressed: GO TO BED!!!

Daughter, age 7: Mommy. Come here. I want to tell you something. Come closer.

Mom: (Sighs) Yes, Juliana

Daughter: You need to calm down. Talk quietly. Count to ten. Take deep breaths.

Mom, taking a deep breath: Thanks.

Daughter: And keep brushing your teeth.

What's our number?

2008-01-20T14:46:00.000-05:00

7 yr old: Mom have we sold our house yet?
Mom: No, but someone stopped yesterday to take our phone number.
7 yr old: That's not nice, do we need to get another phone number?

THAT'S a new one!

2008-01-07T20:41:00.000-05:00

Late night in mom and dad's room, having a chat...

8 year old daughter, waving her hand in front of her nose: EWWW!

Mom: What?

8 year old: Dad 'busted a grumpy'...

Mom: What?! Oh my god.

(cracks up laughing)

Dad: What does that mean? No I didn't!

Cookies for Santa

2007-12-22T09:13:00.000-05:00

Making cookies with Owen & Ethan for Santa's arrival....

Mom- "Ethan grab the sugar, Owen can you get two sticks of butter?"
Owen starts to put on his coat
Mom- "Where are you going?"
Owen- "Outside to find two sticks for the butter"

Tis the Season

2007-12-22T08:48:00.001-05:00

While Elfing a neighbor with my two boys, from a house that will be nameless....

"Oh S%?T we have been elfed"

Literally Speaking

2007-12-12T15:56:00.000-05:00

4 year old daughter: Where does Uncle Steve live?

Mom: Indiana.

4 year old: Who the heck is "Deanna" and just how big is she?

Birds and the bees...needs work

2007-12-09T19:43:00.000-05:00

At the dinner table while kids are telling silly stories...

5 year old son, waving his arms: Guys! Guys! I got a funny thing to say. When I was in my EGG, in mom's BELLY, I was NAKED!

All three kids crack up laughing.

Mission Impossible

2007-11-17T17:50:00.000-05:00

Mom with 6 and 7 year old sons in party store to get a Webkinz for another child for his birthday:

Mom: "Which one would your friend like?"

7 year old to 6 year old (in too loud whisper) : "Plan A has started."

Mom: "What's Plan A?"

7 year old: "I'm not telling you."

Mom: "If Plan A is the plan where you get yourself a Webkinz, you can forget it."

Pouting children and Mom proceed to register to pay for 1 Webkinz.

In Car:

6 year old: "There was a Plan B and a Plan C also..."

Meet Albaquerque the Turkey

2007-11-16T18:46:00.000-05:00

7 yr old daughter: Mom! Come here! Can I tell you a secret?

Mom: Sure.

7 yr old daughter: Mom, this is Albaquerque Turkey. (shows tiny toy turkey) We got him at school. I made a house for him and I'm going to treat him like a princess.

Mom: Wow, that's nice.

7 yr old daughter: (whispers very quietly in Mom's ear) But I'm really going to fatten him up and cook him to a crisp for Thanksgiving dinner!

The "EVINZ" show their gang sign

2007-11-13T20:57:00.000-05:00

4 yr old son (out of the blue): Daddy, you're on my Hit Wist.

Dad: Your Hit List, huh? What does that mean?

4 yr old son: Means I won't hit you.

Dad: Well could you add the rest of the family to your "Hit List?"

4 yr old son: No. They are all too STINKY to be on my Hit Wist.

Feelin' the love

2007-11-05T10:00:00.001-05:00

Late Sunday afternoon, while watching football...

Couch potato wifey: Ugh, I'm going for a swim tomorrow until I drown.

Hubby: SAAH-WEET!

Oooh SHINY!

2007-11-04T21:11:00.000-05:00

4 yr old son: mom, mom, Mom, MOM!

Mom, working on computer: What? What is it? I'm right here.

4 yr old son: I need you! Outside. Right. Now.

Mom: I can't come out right now. Where's Dad?

4 yr old son: I'm building this really cool fing, and....what's that?

Mom: That's your new pirate ship. From Kris.

4 yr old son: [silence] (starts playing with new toy, doesn't say another word.)

Please pass me a tissue

2007-10-29T13:22:00.000-04:00

Kids observe mom knitting...

6 yr old daughter: What are you making?

Mom: It's a baby blanket for Auntie Jill's baby.

6 yr old daughter: Auntie Jill's?

Mom: Yes. Auntie Jill and Uncle Frank are having a baby in January.

4 yr old son: I'm allergic to babies.

Who's the boss!?

2007-10-29T13:20:00.000-04:00

At bedtime:

Daddy: Juliana*, get ready for bed!
6 yr old daughter: You're not the boss of me, mommy is!

Drugs are bad.....

2007-10-26T08:29:00.000-04:00

To set the scene...Red Ribbon (drug free, drugs are bad) week at Young School. Mom a little overwhelmed with book fair, volunteering, work, and managing a house while Mark was away on a four day trip. Mom sitting on floor playing with Aaron enjoying a BEER.
Conversation between my boys and me.

Ethan- Mom Beer is a drug you know
Mom- but it is a good Drug
Owen- Don't worry Ethan, Mom will go to therapy once we are all out of the house

Advertising genius (brainwash 'em early)

2007-09-18T17:52:00.000-04:00

Bella, age 4, after a rough day at preschool:

Hey Mom... you know, America runs on Dunkin.

Right church. Wrong Jew.

2007-09-18T17:27:00.000-04:00

Bella, age 4, after Mom hangs up phone: Who was that?

Mom: Pastor Dave.

Bella: Who's that?

Mom: Pastor Dave from church.

Bella: Who?

Mom: You know, the guy who stands in the front of the church, talks and tells stories.

Bella: Oh, I thought that guy was Jesus.

Rules? Who needs 'em?

2007-09-18T14:55:00.000-04:00

7:30am, post hair-combing tussle involving insertion of a barrette:

Juliana, to older sister: Just take it out on the bus, Sophia, that's what I do.

Elementary, my dear Watson

2007-09-14T09:51:00.000-04:00

7:00am

Sophia, age 7, to mother: By my calculations, I'm not going to school today.

Overheard at the bus stop

2007-09-04T19:18:00.000-04:00

Juliana to Logan: My moms has a best friend and his name is Daegan.

The darndest things...

2007-08-29T14:45:00.000-04:00

Visiting niece to her mommy: I can't wait to lose my front teeth so that my tongue can have some windows.

Tell it like it is...

2007-08-27T14:54:00.001-04:00

Hubby on phone: O.k. I don't have time to talk to you right now. I'm a very important person. Buh bye.

If only it were true...

2007-08-13T10:19:00.000-04:00

...after rhyming game in the car:

Juliana, age 6: What's Iraq?

Sophia, age 7: Oh...something my friend made up.

Rock on!

2007-08-08T20:35:00.000-04:00

Nathan and Evan are bickering in the backseat.
Mom: "Evan knock it off!"
Evan: "But Mom, Nathan says that every boy song, he made up and every girl song Bella made up."
Mom: So what?"
Evan: "He's mocking the rock star world!"

Mom's fresh, but not sharp

2007-08-08T17:50:00.000-04:00

Dad: Sophia*, you didn't drink your Propel.

7 yr old Daughter, going on 13: [eyes rolling] When is mommy going to get it through her thick head that I don't like Propel?

Tolerance: what makes a marriage work

2007-08-08T17:46:00.000-04:00

Wifey on cell: ...forgot to tell you, I filled the propane tank, it's in the back of my jeep. In this heat I'm worried the thing will explode and shear off my head!

Hubby: That would be awesome!